Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Memoirs of a Dirty Girl

I lost my scarf virginity down a narrow alleyway out of touristy obligation. This was before the phrase “YOLO” became a thing, so the peer pressure sounded more like, “You’re only in Scotland once.” 

Just as I was adjusting the itchy plaid scarf around my neck, I saw the most beautiful sight my twenty-year-old eyes had ever beheld:

A man, wearing nothing but a Speedo and a six-pack, covered in shaving cream, running toward me. But wait—not just one semi-nude Scottish hottie—but three, no, four!

At lightning speeds I reached for my Nikon, aimed, and prepared to shoot.

The Scots passed one by one, but the last one was my prize. He had a tiny scrap of green fabric around his goods, a pair of swimming goggles on his forehead, and about half a can of Gillette everywhere else. He stopped and flashed me a smile the size of Great Britain.

“If you want a picture you’ll have to give him a kiss,” his friend hollered.

We locked eyes, and he looked surprisingly willing. So I dropped my bags in the middle of the pavement, walked straight up to that handsome buffoon, and stood on my toes until our lips were just centimeters apart.

It was wet, cold, and all over me. The white foamy mess soaked into my clothes.

There I stoodwet, kissless, and brokenhearted on the rainy streets of Scotland, watching my almost-souvenir-kiss run away with the culprits who’d pushed him into me. I shoved the dirty scarf back into its bag, and vowed never to wear one again.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Ellsworth Station

Sure, a walk on the beach inspires poetry.

But I prefer the corner of a cold steel bench
in the dim lit cavity of the underground,
pen in hand,
gazing up at my leaky concrete canopy.

What’s so poetic about popsicle skies
melting over their horizon
or the glistening dot of a yacht
drifting forth
like a frenchman to his wire?

Who needs a carpet of sand
when my steps are graced by a sea of rubber spots
final punctuations
in their chewer’s memoirs
sealing shut the pages
of a wintery fresh voyage.

I like to imagine a multitude of authors
hand in hand
all spitting in unison—
this is the end
beautiful friends.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Te Amo Taco Bell

When you say you love me,
do you mean it the way I do
when I say that I love Taco Bell—
embarrassing but true?

Or how I love watching hockey?
The way I pretend to know the players’ names
but really I just want to see some action?

Perhaps our love is a deeper, richer form of love.
Such as, but not limited to
the way you love your older brothers
whom you speak with several times a year on the telephone.

Quite honestly, I’d rather be on par with
your paper on the step,
your paintings in their frames,
or the hot water in your faucet.

At least they get to see you every day.

Not to be a nuisance,
I just want to know where we stand.

Because when I say “I love you,”
I sort of mean it
the way Percy Sledge sang
“When a Man Loves a Woman”

But certainly not the
can’t eat, can’t sleep,
you complete me
type of love.

Which, as everyone knows,
isn’t love at all.
Merely infatuation.
Or in the case of Taco Bell—
an appetite.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Articles I would write for ClickHole if I wrote for ClickHole

This Man Has Been Keeping His Giga Pet Alive For 17 Years

Hamburger Helper Fanatics Rejoice! The Ghost Of Betty Crocker Spotted In Local Super Fresh

We Asked 13 Of Your Grandmother’s Baby Angel Figurines To Share Their Deepest 

Heartwarming: This College Fraternity Donated Their Unused Condoms To Nepal

We Asked 21 TSA Officers What’s The Craziest Animal They’ve Ever Confiscated And 
Ridden Into The Sunset? 

Delinquent Kindergarteners Find Solace Through Adopt A Highway Program

This Season’s 8 Most Irresistible Diseases

This Pizza Hut Manager Is Giving Away Extra Toppings To Anyone Who Can Locate His Phone Charger

We Asked 22 Librarians Which Evil Book They Most Enjoyed Burning

9 Octogenarians Who Are Killing It On The Wii 

The Gasoline Cleanse That’s Sweeping The Nation

Style: Executioner Hoods Through The Ages

Cash Money Records Signs Lil Debbie

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Thinking of Getting a Divorce?

I recommend spending five minutes on OkCupid.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Dating Advice for my Future Sperm Donor Babies

1. Communication is Key

Don’t be afraid to tell someone what you need in a relationship. And don’t be surprised when they don’t care.

10 Pieces Of Honest Dating Advice

2. Looks Don’t Last

In this world, there are people prettier than you and people uglier than you. You can date any of them, but remember the hot ones can do better.

10 Pieces Of Honest Dating Advice

3. Don’t Take Things Personally

If someone rejects you, it doesn’t mean you’re not a good person. It just means you’re not good enough for them. Don’t get hung up on it! Happens all the time.

10 Pieces Of Honest Dating Advice

4. Don’t Chase. Be Chased.

Someone who really cares will smile when they see you, ask how it’s going, and if you can spare any change. Because they’ll probably be homeless.

10 Pieces Of Honest Dating Advice

5. Recognize Your Value

You are more precious than gold, so it’s normal for people to dump you. They know they don’t deserve someone as great as you.

10 Pieces Of Honest Dating Advice

6. Actions Speak Louder Than Words

If your bae says that they love you, but treats you like poopoo, they probably don’t love you. Simple logic.

10 Pieces Of Honest Dating Advice

7. Be Honest About Your Feelings

Be brave! Tell someone how you really feel! Honest and open communication will help you both understand that you aren’t on the same page.

10 Pieces Of Honest Dating Advice

8. Don’t Over Analyze

Stop trying to decipher someone’s every word, every text message, every move. Just relax and take comfort knowing that in the end, it’s not going to work out.

10 Pieces Of Honest Dating Advice

9. Learn to Love Yourself

Take yourself on dates, buy something that makes you happy, and tell yourself you’re pretty, because ain’t no boo gonna do that for you.

10 Pieces Of Honest Dating Advice

10. Never Settle

It's not worth it to be with someone who is embarrassed of you, who doesn't enjoy your company, or who deals drugs. You're better off alone. So make yourself comfortable in that twin sized bed. 
10 Pieces Of Honest Dating Advice

Monday, July 21, 2014

Top 10 Reasons to Stay at a Travelodge

Before you try to tell me, "Suck it up, princess," just let me say that I have stayed in some very dirty, sketchy motels and hostels by my own choice, and been perfectly satisfied. I'm not at a point in my life where it's worth an extra $100 to have a bellboy and fluffy white robe waiting for me. I appreciate an affordable motel, and I don't expect it to be nice, updated, comfortable, or not smell like cigarettes. All I need is a bed, bathroom, and a place to keep my stuff.

But fo real? These $60 Travelodge rooms were worse than any $10/night hostel I've ever experienced in Asia or Europe. And that has to be worth a laugh, right?

1. Eco-Friendly

Travelodge is lowering their carbon footprint by not using up (or providing) precious resources like toilet paper.

2. Hassle-free Showers

You don’t have to deal with disgusting shower curtains, or any shower curtains for that matter.

3. Thoughtfulness

They’re kind enough to unwrap your soap and test it out for you.

4. Cute Linens

Some of our towels and sheets had polka dots! Adorbs.


They allow you to bring your own batteries for the remote control.

6. Aromatherapy

Weed-scented air fresheners make the hallways smell nice, and we even found a complimentary joint outside our door.

7. That Extra Touch

While they may not put mints on your pillow, they do leave gum on your headboard.

8. Security Guards

Friendly drunks will stand next to your car, and even outside your door to keep watch all night.

9. Nostalgia

Breakfast is served with warm milk, just like Mom used to make.

10. Housekeeping

Housekeepers respect your space and belongings by leaving things just how you left them. They might even drop off some new friends.