Friday, December 21, 2012

Happy ChristmaHannuKwanzika!


Season’s Greetings, dear family and friends. This is Kristen Scharf’s first annual
Christmas letter! It’s been an eventful year for this family of one.

This spring Kristen finished her last semester of college at BYU in Provo, Utah. She
took a full load of classes and worked two jobs. She enjoyed scrubbing her little
fingers raw doing custodial at the MTC Cafeteria and misses it dearly.

Kristen graduated from BYU in April. It’s hard to believe, since she still looks to be
about 16 years old. But yes, Kristen now has a degree in communications, which
contrary to popular belief among her family, is not marketing.

After graduation Kristen headed straight off to New York City. She had a glorious
summer interning, exploring the city, and eating delicious food. Having lived her
entire life in the mountains, she took advantage of the ocean by spending nearly
every Saturday at the beach.

In August she returned to Utah to visit friends and drink punch at some of their
wedding receptions. She and her friends went camping in Yellowstone, where they
saw wildlife like lions, zebras, meercats, warthogs, and a baboon.

In September Kristen moved back to Fort Collins, CO to live with her lovely brother
and sister-in-law. She got to play with her cute little nieces and nephew every day
and apply for lots of jobs.

In the meantime, she booked a cruise to the Bahamas and convinced her mom to
come along. They spent a week sunbathing, swimming with fish, and eating fancy
cheese. Unfortunately most of their travel companions were hairy men wearing gold
chains and speedos, so needless to say Kristen did not find the love of her life in the
Bahamas.

In October, Kristen went back to New York to compete in a national advertising
competition. She won the crowd and the judges with her presentation in the New
York Times building and took the grand prize—another internship.

She moved to the big city again for a month of exciting times. She survived
Halloween, the presidential election, and Hurricane Sandy.

After Thanksgiving, Kristen returned to Fort Collins for the holidays. She is counting
down the days until February, when she will travel to Changzhou, China with her
baby brother. They will spend four months teaching English to little kids. Xīn nián
kuài lè!

I love you all! Have a very Scary Christmas and a Happy Boo Year!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Everyone Likes Butter


The perfect fix to a
side of green beans,
movie popcorn,
one of Aunt June’s fresh baked rolls.

Yes, butter.

Spreadable, sprayable, meltable,
I Can’t Believe It’s Not-able.

But nobody curls up
in a candle-lit living room cocoon,
to gently sink their teeth
into a tepid stick of butter.

Who licks their lips as golden grease
melts streaming down their chin
and sighs in peace,
‘cause all you need
is butter?

I don’t want to be butter. 



Sunday, November 18, 2012

I'd Rather Stay Single

I was excited about this new app I downloaded called "Let's Date" until I started flipping through photos of guys in my area. If that's what's out there, hell, I'm better off single!

Note: I would have made a section of all the guys who took a picture of their abs in the mirror, but there's not enough room on my hard drive.













Sexy soft glow...








 










Thursday, November 1, 2012

Engrish



Because everyone loves perseverant yet hilarious attempts at the English language, here is a collection of letters. Consider it my own version of Engrish.

A couple years back, my roommate received this email from her cousin's mission companion. Best when read aloud. 

Hi Megan
his cousin trained me in my first area, it is very cool I'm from
Brazil I live in Rio de Janeiro knows? when I intend to finish the
mission to go see it in the U.S. he told me a lot and want to know you
better maybe when I finish the mission I intend to marry a girl from
the states unidos.Pode answer me if it is possible for us to talk when
I finished the mission you're single? you want to talk to future
teacher who knows you have not prepared a way for an agent? can give
me the answer if we can start talking about it by email to complete
the mission when I want to know if we can be more that friends who
know you is not my future girlfriend or wife anymore Only time will
tell I hope your answer kisses megan.


This is an email response to a craigslist ad my roommate got when she was trying to sell her contract. Best when read aloud and ALL CAPS are screamed. 

Subject: interested in its contract!


hi im aline and  iam  in brazil now but in some weeks I will go to  in  provo ME AND one friend church because we go to study english in BYU! it would like to know more on its apartment and contract! how many people live in the apartment? I am thinking about moving in dec. or jan. send me photos of inside of apartment?  to is the total cost for month? the cost is 275 alright? how much far it is of the BYU? VACANT will can FOR friend THAT ALSO STARTS IN jan. STUDY IN BYU TOO BECAUSE SHE AND ME WE GO TO STUDY AND march. THEREFORE WE ARE FRIENDSBRAZILIAN!
 I WAIT ITS REPLY 
thanks ALINE!!!
look this is link of the apartment that interested me!



Today I found a ton of old messages in my Facebook inbox that went unnoticed. This is from a stranger over a year ago. How come the actual men in my life don't express such sentiment? 


Hi Beautiful,
The glory of God is manifested only when there is a balance between the grace and truth. the is that I came across ur profile together with ur picture and I felt been blessed with u and that is the reason I contacted u to know u more and to see if we have future together with love, happiness and joy.
U looks so natural and nature will be very proud to identify with u and I will be very happy and the luckiest man on earth if I should have u in my life as the treasure of my heart and soul with love, happiness and joy.
Please feel very free to email through okay... my email is -------.
Someone to love and care with faith and believe that it shall be well with us been together with one love.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Photoshop

...is the bomb. I followed this tutorial and learned how to make colorful glowing text. Here's the logo I made for my intern project at Momentum. Not too bad for a first try, eh?


Maybe after next week (when I'm an unemployed graduate) I will give this blog a sexy makeover. 

Sunday, July 15, 2012

What? AT&T did something clever?

This campaign is a little bit cheese-ball, but I love it-- especially Will Arnett, whom my little brother claims to have seen skiing once. 
http://www.entryattyouvegotacase.com/

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Problems with Movie Trailers


Have you ever watched a movie trailer that made you say, “Well, guess I don’t have to see that movie, now that I know the entire plot. Thank you, spoiler alert.” Or trailers that are just WAY too overdramatic? 

Or how about the trailers that lead you to believe the movie is an entirely different genre.  Like when The Village came out, and everyone thought they were going to a horror film. I wonder if M. Knight was somewhere in the back of the theater saying, “Suckas! You just sat down for a two-hour love triangle!”

Well here’s a trailer that was actually way BETTER than the movie itself. Fancy that. Maybe I like this trailer so much because it has Ingrid Michaelson mixed with some poetry, California, London, and a little bit of my own life situation. Maybe because at the end of the day, I just love a good commercial. 




Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I whole-heartedly believe in this statement.


Sunday, July 8, 2012

Bike Photo Shoot

Bicycles can be sexy, too. Behold the twin Schwinns.










Sunday, June 3, 2012

New York Lessons


It's been six weeks living in New York City. Here's a few lessons I have learned first hand.

If you don't watch where you're going, you will get hit by bikes, cars, garbage buggies, two people in wheelchairs, and a maybe even a horse.

Sitting two feet away from strangers at the park is normal, and so is having your body smashed between strange butts and armpits on the subway. Most people won't acknowledge your existence anyway.

People don't normally have heart to hearts with their cab drivers, so when you do, get ready to hear thirty years of bottled emotions and political opinions.

According to a man selling candy on the train, white people eat Reeses Cups, black people--like himself--eat KitKats, and all you other people (non-Americans), eat Reeses Pieces. He was obliging enough to let whites try a KitKat, just for today only.

When you visit the golden cow on Wallstreet, you'll have to wait in line to take photos with it. Most tourists wait for their turn with the front of the beast, but a smaller amount of pervy people line up near the rear.

If you bring birthday balloons on the subway, be prepared for the train car to break out in song. But when the song comes to your name, "2 Train Girl" is the standard substitute.


If you ride in the double decker sight seeing bus through Harlem, the locals will holla and laugh at you. If it's raining, they will say things like, "Where's yall's umbrellas now? Sh*t!"

Don't acknowledge anyone selling something near Times Square unless you want a ten minute speech, hug, phone number, or an invite to call them any time for date.

The best restaurants have a "B" in the window, and the really best restaurants have polaroid photo album menu.

If you want to feel like a bada$$, run up five flights of stairs while everyone else waits in line for the escalator.

You know a person is crazy when they say things like, "Mother Mary didn't save no souls, all she taught Jesus was pantyhose and lipstick"

You know a good street rapper when they successfully use the words resurrection and erection in the same line. The creativity here astounds me.

The water may be freezing, but east coast beaches are not lacking in the speedo babe department. 


Tuesday, March 13, 2012

TSA

Another poem. Enjoy!

TSA

The woman snaps her
blue latex gloves at the wrist,
before twisting open the cap
of my prized Christmas gift.
Squinting eyes, like at a bug
waiting to be crushed,
she informs me that my hazelnut spread
is considered a “gel”
unfit for flight,
and commits the heavy jar, a young life
to its waste bin grave,
before I even have a chance
to say goodbye.
Pleased,
she hands me my bag,
where four gasoline-powered
zippo lighters
lay peacefully nestled,
under my iPod.
Bitch.
You may take my Nutella,
but you will never take away my freedom.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Kristen's Music Choice Awards

I love music. I know, I know, everyone loves music. But for me, listening to music is more than just listening. It helps shape my thoughts and it's how I work through my feelings. Just when I think I've found enough music to express every emotion I've ever had, I find more. It's a beautiful thing.

In this month's semi-annual Kristen's Music Choice Awards, I would like to announce the following winners in the "Most Musical Beauties of the Decade" category. These man-written songs will never not be lovely to my ears.

The Trapeze Swinger (Iron & Wine) - This could win just based on lyrics alone.


Welcome Home, Son (Radical Face)


Somewhere Only We Know (Keane)


Kolniður (Jonsi)


The Scientist (Coldplay) Overplayed and overfamed it may be, but I love it all the same.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Animal Fries

There's not much in life I hate more than math and science. I've successfully proved wrong every high school math teacher who told me I would have to take math in college. But science-- I had to suffer through two whole classes. Astronomy (AKA naptime) and a class entitled, "Life of the Past," which I naturally assumed was about cavemen. Heck yeah! I wanna learn about cavemen!

Boy was I DEAD WRONG.

I ended up in a "Historical Geology" class trying to memorize things like which type of tetropods have bony girdles, the name of rocks formations exposed during the Davinian period, and the anatomy of a craton.

My professor, bless his heart, LOVES what he teaches. Loves it so much, naturally he wants all his students to love it too, by jamming it down their throats and subjecting them to meticulously tough grading. Needless to say, that man and his anti-caveman class destroyed my GPA.

So here I am a year and a half later, eating dinner alone, poking a big fatty pile of In-N-Out Animal Style fries. And there appears Mr. Historical Geology in all his boring glory, like a walking nightmare of semesters past.

He doesn't recognize me, but he sure is intrigued by my french fries. How did I get them like that? What are they called? Why aren't they on the menu? How much do they cost? What exactly are the ingredients?

His voice brought me back to painful droning lectures that felt endless. I remembered how it was the worst experience of my college career, and how much I hate rocks.

But we didn't talk about rocks. We talked about french fries.

"They're really unhealthy," I said.
"Yeah well, everything here is unhealthy," he said.

And I realized something. Historical Geology sucks. But really, any science class would have sucked just as much. And at the end of the day, I survived.

Ironically, I didn't even like the animal fries. And as unhealthy and undelicious as they were, I survived those too.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Bridal Shower

Congrats to my lifelong friend Amanda and her upcoming wedding!

Erin and I weren't really sure if her bridal shower was a potholders and hand towels party or a sexy lingerie party. So we went for both.

Tupperwear filled with embarrassing lacy panties—the perfect combination of domestic and sexy.



Monday, January 2, 2012

Feliz Anyo Nuevo

The new year is always a great time. Some people say it's because they get to reflect and make new goals. I have my own reasons:

1. No school- this is obvious.
I savor my final moments of freedom, like a bachelor would his party, without the stripper-in-a-cake ordeal. The days of getting 8, 9, heck even 10 hours of sleep are a beautiful thing.

2. I feel like Chris Brown- makin paper.
I can work all day. I actually love working. And Dec 31st/Jan 1st are DOUBLE pay- double your pleasure, double your fun.

3. The return of my Nepalese brothers.
Every Christmas Break my favorite boys from Nepal come spice things up at the MTC- best two weeks of the year. They call me "the happy girl," teach me Nepalese, and advise me not to be gross until after I'm married.

4. "See you next year!"
On New Years Eve you can say this to someone you'll see tomorrow. I never get over that.

5. Another reason to make cool things in the AdLab.
This one was a lot of fun. It took several takes to get it down because some girl had some inappropriate dance moves in the mosh scene...or something like that. Anyway, check out my mustache.

HAPPY NEW YEAR from me and my fellow ad students/best friends!