Sunday, June 21, 2015

Te Amo Taco Bell

When you say you love me,
do you mean it the way I do
when I say that I love Taco Bell—
embarrassing but true?

Or how I love watching hockey?
The way I pretend to know the players’ names
but really I just want to see some action?

Perhaps our love is a deeper, richer form of love.
Such as, but not limited to
the way you love your older brothers
whom you speak with several times a year on the telephone.

Quite honestly, I’d rather be on par with
your paper on the step,
your paintings in their frames,
or the hot water in your faucet.

At least they get to see you every day.

Not to be a nuisance,
I just want to know where we stand.

Because when I say “I love you,”
I sort of mean it
the way Percy Sledge sang
“When a Man Loves a Woman”

But certainly not the
can’t eat, can’t sleep,
you complete me
type of love.

Which, as everyone knows,
isn’t love at all.
Merely infatuation.
Or in the case of Taco Bell—
an appetite.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Articles I would write for ClickHole if I wrote for ClickHole

This Man Has Been Keeping His Giga Pet Alive For 17 Years

Hamburger Helper Fanatics Rejoice! The Ghost Of Betty Crocker Spotted In Local Super Fresh

We Asked 13 Of Your Grandmother’s Baby Angel Figurines To Share Their Deepest 
Secrets

Heartwarming: This College Fraternity Donated Their Unused Condoms To Nepal

We Asked 21 TSA Officers What’s The Craziest Animal They’ve Ever Confiscated And 
Ridden Into The Sunset? 

Delinquent Kindergarteners Find Solace Through Adopt A Highway Program

This Season’s 8 Most Irresistible Diseases

This Pizza Hut Manager Is Giving Away Extra Toppings To Anyone Who Can Locate His Phone Charger

We Asked 22 Librarians Which Evil Book They Most Enjoyed Burning

9 Octogenarians Who Are Killing It On The Wii 

The Gasoline Cleanse That’s Sweeping The Nation

Style: Executioner Hoods Through The Ages

Cash Money Records Signs Lil Debbie

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Thinking of Getting a Divorce?

I recommend spending five minutes on OkCupid.